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I Am Never Going Back

In this blog, I want to talk about being saved. Most people will get straight to saying God deliver them and healed them but I want to share what exactly he delivered and heal me from because even in being saved I needed deliverance and healing. In being saved God was shining a light in an area of my life that I was so blinded about. A part of the old me was in me and he wanted to help but I didn’t surrender. So I hope this helps someone who is in the same situation I was in. Doesn’t necessarily have to be the same situation but maybe God is shining a light in you and trying to get your attention so you can surrender it and get what God has for you.

To begin, I was saved on January 6, 2019. In being saved, I met a man who I for sure thought and said “This is my husband”. I prayed about him, prayed with him, encourage him. All that a Godly woman should I did but I most definitely wasn’t perfect. Through all this, I know the Lord was trying to shine a light in me. Trying to show me a part of the old me was still there, I just didn’t know until a year and a half later. You see in this “relationship” with this person, I wasn’t valued, I had settle for less. In that  “relationship” and I put it in quotation marks for the reason we weren’t together but wanted to. We were just waiting for God to say go-ahead. You see, the person didn’t see my worth. In the year and a half, this person and I talk about marriage and talk about our kids even named one if we were to have a boy. I wasn’t a fan of the name but I settle for it because he wanted it. Your reading this like okay so what happen? While talking about a future there was always other girls in his heart and around him. I was constantly fighting to be number two (God is number one). I was number two until another female came along I was number three. I remember constantly asking God why? What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? In and out of depression and not thinking I was worthy. Constantly crying about a man who didn’t seem to care about my feelings. When it didn’t work with those females I was back to number two. Got to the point that we had each other passwords and well, the men that use to connect with me(past) had to be blocked and he blocked them but the women he had once communicated with was not block nor did he want to or allowed me to do it. In this “relationship,” my wisdom was canceled, meaning whenever I spoke any kind of wisdom he didn’t listen but if someone else told him the same thing he would listen. It was constant and made me feel like I was looked at “ she newly saved God can’t use her” it put me down. Like can God really use someone so new to his word and him? Even though I knew God can use anyone, save or not saved. Whenever we would hang out he would always say do I have makeup on and also wanting me to make sure I had make-up on. Made me feel like without make-up I wasn’t pretty because it was an everyday thing. I had insecurities issues and this added to it. I would respond “ I’m beautiful without it” while struggling to believe it myself. It was a constant thing where it would hurt me. Especially when these girls would come around I would start comparing and felt insecure. I put a smile around him but once I was by myself I cried many, many, nights (for a year and a half) questioning was I pretty enough, was I worthy enough. All while God was trying to tell me I am. I read my word, I prayed, I worship but I wasn’t surrendering my heart. I wasn’t surrendering my hurt and insecurities. I wasn’t SURRENDERING, I WASNT GIVING HIM MY ALL. After all of this God spoke and said he’s preparing my husband and it’s not him. So I went into prayer after being told what God said and told him “ ok God he’s not my husband, so take these feelings away” he did. I wanted to know why he wasn’t ( I was still blinded) I knew I prayed about my husband and he didn’t line up to what kind of husband I wanted but I had still wanted him to be UNTIL God spoke. Like I said I wanted to know why and I didn’t find out till a couple of months later. Things went down and I saw why he wasn’t, the light in me was shining, and what I mean by that is What God was trying to show me about me that I needed to surrender was shining bright. Before God spoke I prayed and told God I didn’t want my heart to be broken again from this man, I was tired of crying and tired of being third place. The Lord answered my prayer and when those couple of months came by another female came along. God knew this was coming, only he can see what’s on the other side of the door, God had saved me from another heartbreak. He answered my prayer but he also was showing me a part of the old me was still in there. Which was not seeing my worth, for not valuing myself. I was still seeking love from men and approval of my worth from men instead of seeking how the Lord views me. God was trying to tell me I was worthy and I have everlasting love through him. That I was beautiful, It was when I saw why it wouldn’t work out, What the Lord was trying to tell me all along. He was trying to set me free but I wasn’t willing to let go and surrender. 

The sad thing is my story is like many others, we see the signs but refused to acknowledge them. We ignore it and question why things aren’t working out, why? Why? Why? That is what we do. God wants to heal you, set you free but we have to fully surrender. When all this happen I just knew God was wanting me to fully surrender. I wanted God but my heart had belonged to that man. When I fully surrender God had overflow my heart with his love not only was I healed I saw myself the way he sees me and that’s fearfully and wonderfully made. I had to apologize to myself for not valuing myself, For not loving myself. God was trying to show me for a year and a half but I had to drop those bags at the altar and give it to God and receive what he has for me.

This doesn’t have to be a relationship thing, it could be you are in a friendship or a job where God is showing you all the signs to let go. Where he may be also showing you that there is a part of you he’s trying to set you free from BUT we have to let go completely fully surrender. We can’t get what he has if we hold on to what he’s trying to set us free from. For example, When God spoke to Abraham he told him to leave the country and his father’s house to a land he will show him from there he will make him a great nation and bless him etc. But God never told him to bring Lot but he did. When he did it got to the point where the land was not able to hold them both with all the riches and cattle they had. To the point, there was fighting between their shepherds So Abraham told Lot he can go left and he goes right or the other way around. 

What I believe I got from this is that In order for Abraham to go where God is taking him he had to drop the baggage off because where he was going Lot couldn’t come. Meaning not everyone in your life will head where God is taking you. They can take up too much room to the point where arguments can happen, or the friendship, relationship, or even if it’s a family member becomes too much. So you would have to let them go their own way and you go yours and let the Lord lead you to where he is calling you to go. Most times when there’s someone in your life who takes up to much room, you don’t have room for the Lord to dwell in. Meaning that person can have your heart, attention, etc. But what God wants you to do is surrender it all to him, leave those behind that are not called to walk with you in the calling God has for your life. We got to start acknowledging God in the friendship/relationship we involve ourselves in. Because we can delay things when we hold on to things that we need to get rid of. God wants to take you where he is calling you but first, we gotta get rid of some things and surrender ourselves.

As I was writing this I was emotional, but happy tears and thanking God for saving me from making a mistake before I got married to someone to only to end in divorce and heartbreak. That would have led me to depression and I would have been back to where I use to be and that’s drowning. I made up in my mind that I WAS NEVER GOING BACK! To who I use to be and the people that use to be in my life. If it was God’s will then it’s a different story but I would never go back. When I surrender and fully gave myself to God, things started to move in my life. I no longer settle for less, Since God pour his love in me not only do I love myself but now know how to love others and I now know the love I deserve Because everything God was trying to tell me this person made me feel the opposite. The Lord was trying to show me he can use anyone, he was trying to show me I’m loved, worthy, and beautiful. 

So I pray that this helps someone who is in this situation or similar. Who God wants to heal and set free. Who he is shining a light telling and showing you there is a piece of you that needs to go or even someone who is trying to find love and worth through man and not God because only he can fill you up. Only his love can fill you up so let’s let go of those things and fully surrender to God. God bless you guys

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Published by rachelolmo

Hi you guys, my name is Rachel I am 24 years old, and the purpose of my blog is to spread God's love and word. I was a victim of child abuse from my father and for so many years that took a toll on me. I search for love in so many places but it wasn't until I accepted Christ in my life that I finally knew what real love was. So I created this blog not only to share my testimony but to share the love of God and his beautiful word. If you ever felt the way I do or even want to learn more please feel free to contact me🤍🕊🙏🏻

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